Communication

Once upon a time I struggled to put my thoughts together into a coherent paragraph that others would understand and be edified by. This is that moment. In all seriousness though, I really am not sure how to describe what I have learned in this section. Which is ironic because it is about communication. I seriously have pages of notes, but it is so random it can not be organized into one or two thoughts. So I will ramble until something comes to me. 

In the last post I talked a little about how important communication is. This week we talked about what kind of communication we should use. Communication is more than just the words you say. You communicate with your body movements, with your eyes, and with your tone of voice. Humans can pick up on the littlest things that can completely change the meaning of your words. For example when we use sarcasm. We say one thing but actually mean the complete opposite. It can be quite confusing and cause a lot of  problems in communication. When we are speaking we need to know first of all what we are saying and then we need to be clear. It often helps to repeat back in our own words what others have said in order to fully understand. If we are right in our understand the other person will confirm it and if it is wrong they will correct us and help in our understanding. I think over all though we need to be open and involved in the conversation You have to want to come to a consensus not just a conclusion. We are not trying to win a fight, we are trying to come up to the best solution for each other and our family.

Well that is pretty short and kinda jumbled thoughts, but I hope it was a little informative. Thanks so much for reading! Questions always welcome!

Crises

A family can grow closer together or they can fall apart during a crisis.

First I want to define crisis. A crisis is a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life. It is also important to point out that a crisis calls for a change. You have to cope with what has happened, it is not just something that a person or a family has to get through. It is much bigger than just something that is stressing a family. It is very important that a family councils together as they deal with a crisis situation. One thing we talked about in class was how a families reaction completely changes the outcome and experience of the family. There was a formula we talked about, it goes like this:
           Actual events
            Both responses and resources
 +        Cognations                           
 Total eXperiences

My own family has had many different crises. I was thinking of a few things my family has been through and want to share an example or two to help explain. The first experience I want to talk about is the pasting of my Grandmother. This is my fathers mother. She pasted away in the year 2000. She was sick for a very long time before passing, She had been battling with cancer. I was only 8 years old when she passed so I don't remember everything, but I do remember my parents reaction. I remember that my parents sat me down individually and they explained to me what happened. I remember there were tears but that it was peaceful. My parents explained their own beliefs (which have become my own beliefs over time and study) about where grandma was now. We took each day as a family. We talked about grandma and the things we loved about her, and about memories that we had of her. I heard a lot of stories from my fathers childhood I had never heard before. The one thing I really remember is that I realized during this time how important family was. This realization has shaped a lot of who I have grown up to be. We chose, as a family, to support each other and to be happy together. I think 100% that this made us grow closer together.

The second crisis I want to talk about is something my family is currently working through. I can only give you my perspective of this situation. I can not pretend to understand my families thoughts or perspectives. When I was about 9 or 10 my older brother moved out of the house. Over the years our family has had difficulty with the decisions that he has made. He made a lot of decision that we saw as wrong, inappropriate, and contrary to our beliefs. During this time I was never really in on what all was happening. I often ease dropped on conversation to try to figure out what was going on with my own family. I understand trying to protect me but honestly I wish someone would have explained to me. My mother was very upset and depressed. my father was very quite on the subject. And my brother and I were never close enough for him to even want me to be a part of what was happening in his life. So I was left to myself and my own thoughts. I don't know if everyone just thought that it didn't effect me or that i wasn't really a part of it, but I have learned that if one thing happens to one person in a family it happens and has an effect on everyone.  I also think that this principle is part of what is helping us get this figured out now. My family fell apart during this time. We tried to be together and tried to be there for each other but we just weren't. Over time we have started to heal, and honestly we still are. We are talking to each other more, and trying to understand each other. It will take a lot of time and effort, we have been dealing ( or not dealing with it at some points) for almost 12 years.

What I would say that I have really learned from this section is how important family communication is. It determines so much of your experiences. When you share your thoughts, feelings, and understanding; family grows together.

Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it. I hope that my post are helping someone some where. Heaven knows that I have learned a lot from this class. If you have any questions about anything, please ask. Even if I haven't talked about it. I would love to explore new material with your help.

Marital (Physical) Intimacy

Alrighty!
So today's class was about marital intimacy. To open up the class we talked about how married people are the ones that report the most satisfaction out of their sexual lives. Which actually made a lot of since as we continued talking through out the class. We then talked about the differences between males and females in their responses. It was discussed that men usually are aroused much quicker than women. Men reach orgasm much faster and often are already coming out of the high point before many women even fully reach orgasm. The comment was made that guys are like a microwave and women are like an oven (or a crock-pot).
   We then talked about some of the challenges that couples face and then some of the opportunities that come from physical intimacy. Challenges may include:
- Time
     This can include what I talked about above, or it can be the actual lack of time to be intimate.
- Critical of each other
     The issue  of men being done quickly came up again. Women can feel like he doesn't really care or want  to be with her. It was also said that men want to be physically intimate more often which makes the woman think that he is a pig using her for her body. Both of which are untrue and can be explained.
- Hurt
     Very similar to being Critical and thus hurting your spouses feelings.
-Tired
      This can cause the previous two points.
And all of these can cause an avoidance of intimacy at all and thus create a void in the marriage. Marital Intimacy is very important for a marriage. It creates a bond between husband and wife. It brings your spouse and you closer together.

Which brings us to the opportunities that come with physical intimacy.
- Learning to work together
- Learn consideration of your spouse and their needs
- Become at least as concerned as they are about themselves.
- Feel Loved and Supported

There is just one more thing that i want to touch on to wrap this up. I think it is really important to understand. We talked about how being physically intimate with multiple people can really mess up your ability to trust people and to be able to get close to people. Even holding hands and kissing passionately with multiple people can do this. I think you stop trusting people and getting close because when you are physical with a person you get attached to them, and then when you or they move on to another person so easily it hurts. It gives up your self worth. You are not getting the commitment and your intimate needs met. And I meant Intimate as, yes physically, but also emotional and getting the attention and respect all human beings need.

I think that is all for this post. Thanks for reading! Please ask questions!

Early Marital Adjustments

     This week we talked about the first little part of a marriage. There are many adjustments that need to be made in the first week, month, and year of a marriage. The first day we talked about some of the problems that can occur in a marriage. We talked about two things in particular as examples of some of the challenges that can arise.
1.) Shared living space
     Our conversation about this was really funny. We talked about how hard it can be sharing a bathroom. You have your own morning routine that you have gotten use to over the years. Throwing another person into the routine can really mess you up. You have a place for all your stuff, or you don't care where your stuff lands. this can be frustrating to the other person. We talked about how guys generally don't clean their bathroom, and how girl will hang things up all over in the bathroom. The whole point was that you have to collaborate and work together.
     I actually got to apply this Monday night with my roommates. We have been struggling with shared living areas. Stuff gets left all over the bathroom counter, dish pile in the sink, and one roommate would sleep on the couch at night and be there until late into the afternoon. So we decided to have a meeting so we could talk about these issues. We talked about just having respect for the other people that live in the house. It can be hard to change your habits but you can try to change those things that are upsetting to others. I think it is about dealing with somethings people do, adjusting, and being patient with other things.
2.) Figure problems out together
     That last thought goes into the next topic well. in order to solve problems you have to communicate and work them out together. If you don't talk about issues it just make the issue worse or makes new ones.  There were two really great thoughts I picked up form class. The first was the marriage is a learning process. You should be becoming better through the marriage. If you are not communicating you are not going to learn anything. Just like if you went to class and your professor doesn't say a word. You will learn very much, because you only have your own thoughts. You can do the reading and homework but you only get so much out of that. I hope that makes some sense.
     The second thought is "coming together and becoming one is divine, it is not natural." This probably goes better with the first though of living spaces. It is hard to become one with another person and thus not natural. It is natural for man to put forth the least amount of effort needed. We take short cuts, we do enough to keep the other person satisfied but not quite happy, and, honestly, we do just enough to get by. This isn't divine. Becoming one is divine, as I quoted. Trying your best to understand one another, talking about what is best for your family, becoming one in thoughts and actions, and both contributing to the way your family runs.
 
     I learned a lot from this section about marriage. It's not that I didn't know that you need communication in a marriage, but now I understand better why. It isn't simply to get a task accomplished. It is more divine than that. I guess I just really loved seeing how it contribute to becoming one with your spouse and then both of you becoming one with God.

Hi Everybody!
This week we talked about dating and preparing for marriage!
        I have a ton of homework this week which is prohibiting me from writing as much as I would like to. But I will try to give a quick over view of what we talked about and hopefully will do it a little justice.
        We talked about love and tried to define it.  There was one definition in our reading that I really like it says:
"I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another's spiritual growth." - M Scott Peck
        Then talked about 4 different types of love.

Agape- Not based on feelings. 

Storge- Parent to child love.
Eros- Romantic, sexual, and passionate.
Phillia- Closeness, friendly, or brotherly love.

         We talked about how we really should have all of these different kinds of love for our spouses. each is important to making a marriage work. I personally would want all of these different kinds of love in my marriage. I think each has a place and a purpose.

        My favorite part of this week was when we talked about the parallels of dating and marriage. A real date consists of three things.

-Planned
-Paid For
-Paired Off
Those three things can be related to the three roles that a husband, according to the family: a proclamation to the world, should have.
-Preside
-Provide
-Protect

        I don't know why I love this part of the week so much. I guess that it just proves that you are suppose to be looking for things that your date does that would roll over into marriage as a spouse. It was just really interesting to me. And I have been thinking about it a lot. It is just one of those thing I love to ponder on.I am really out of time this week. I hope that this made you think. again if you have questions, comment, thoughts, don't be afraid to comment. Thanks!
     

Gender Roles

Hey Hey, 

     This week has been kinda crazy so this is just a quick little blurt about gender roles and how important they are. I wish I had more time but i just don't. I will try to post a little more about this topic sometime next week. Sorry, hope it is still interesting and insightful. 

     Men and women are equally important, they deserve the same rights, but they are not the same. Women have their own qualities and so do men. We are different emotionally, physically, and socially. These differences are not a bad thing at all. We do not have to be the best at absolutely everything. We are suppose to be different and those that try to make men and women equal are demeaning what it means to be a women or a man. The video that we watched for Monday's class really made me mad. Especially the part about the firefighters. They talked about how they should make tests to be a firefighter easier for women. All I could think was why in the world would you do that! If I am in a burning building and a firefighter has to pull me out, but she doesn't have the strength she needs to do it, that's a huge problem. I like that they are strict about the tests. I don't want to be left wondering if I am going to die or not in a burning building. I want to know I have the best they can offer, and the best chance of surviving.  Yes give women the opportunity but if they want to so badly be like men they have to work at the same level. That was just one thing that really bothered me. 

     As a woman I think it is offensive that other women want to be so much like men. Why? Not that men aren't wonderful, but if you are a woman then embrace how wonderful that is. We are blessed to be able to understand people on so many levels. We are great conversationalists.We are great at all of our relationships with lots of different people. We are nurturing and loving. What is wrong with that? It doesn't make us weak or unimportant. I think that all those things are crazy important. To be able to connect with all sorts of people is such an uncomprehendable gift. 

     I guess my overall point is that both men and women are important. We are suppose to work together with our God given gifts to make a difference. We are equal but different, and that is not a bad thing. 

Culture and Class

Ello!

This week in class we talked about social class and about culture. We defined culture as your beliefs, art, tradition, etc. culture is something that you are born into and is more stable or lasting throughout your life. Class on the other hand is a social economic status.  What class you are in can be determined by many things. Some that we discussed include:

-          Money

-          Recreational Activities

-          Lifestyle

-          Location

-          Education

-          Appearance/ Grooming

-          Place of work

Your class and culture have everything to do with how your family works, acts, and even shows affection. There are hardships brought on by riches and by poverty. The change of culture from one generation to another has a huge impact on how families communicate.

The huge thing that we talked about this week is are all cultures equally valid? This is a really hard thing to talk about. We as humans don’t want to offend anyone. We don’t want to say that someone’s culture is wrong, and we shouldn’t . But does that make all of them equally right and effective.  I  don’t think so. My response to this question for my teacher was this:

“Okay so I was having issues with the word valid in this question. So I looked up the definition.

Valid:

1.) sound; just; well-founded

2.)producing the desired result; effective:

With that definition in mind I would say that all cultures are valid to some degree. Different cultures have different beliefs that result in a variety of outcomes. The marriage and family Book talked about how Asian American families focus on values like obedience and self-control; so most their children are obedient and have self-control. So they are “producing the desired result." But is this the correct result? Is there a correct result? This is where personal beliefs really start to come in. For us as Latter Day Saints, I would say, our desired result would be exaltation. We have been given commandments and guide lines in order to achieve this goal. Is Mormon culture then the most valid culture? My personal testimony would be an astounding yes, but it gives you some things to ponder. 

The talk on truth and tolerance by Elder Oaks (http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/-truth-and-tolerance-elder-dallin-h-oaks) really helped me in my pondering. The need for respect of others and their cultures was very evident throughout the talk. There is a level of understand that we must have for each other. Everyone on this earth is trying to figure out what is right and wrong or good and bad. We are blessed to have the truth; we should stand up for it and need to share it. However, we still must respect others and let them use their agency to find their way.  I think one of the quotes given in the talk kind of sums up what I am trying to say.

Hey hey everyone!
So a little more background on myself for a second. I am in this class trying to really make up my mind if I want to make my major marriage and family relations. Honestly, after this week, the answer would be yes. I really like the idea of being a relations counselor. This week in class we talked about the different types of relationships people have, and the effect that one relationship in a family can have on the rest of the family unit. I just got really excited this week about being able to help families learn how to work with each other.  any way. I am going to just type up some of my notes from this week and once again would love some feedback: questions, thoughts, judgments, arguments. I want to talk about it all! Thanks everyone!

Class Notes:
Monday:
Theory is an attempt to explain a happening.
Systems Theory- Each individual in a family is not just an independent part but has a great influence on every other individual in a family unit. Each individual in a family plays his/her own role.
Exchange Theory- Whatever I do for you, I want something of similar or greater value back.
          - Give/Take          - Usually informal agreements
          -If unbalanced it doesn't work
Symbolic Interaction Theory- Cognitive creatures (which we are) who are influenced and shaped by their interactions, and experiences with others.
          - All behavior has a meaning.
          - Meanings my not be shared and lead to confusion, frustration, disappointment, etc. (I mean one                      thing, they took it another way.)
Conflict Theory- Limited resources are shared and (usually) one person is decided upon who will be in charge of these resources and decide how they are distributed.
Wednesday-
- Apply Elder Packers, "if so, then...." statement to the family.
- As a counselor you must become a little part of the family, no matter how small that part is, in order to influence a family.
- Each family member must see their own importance and influence to the family system.
- In order to truly help a family you must have a genuine love for them.
- You must focus on each relationship in a family. In a family of three their are more than three relationships.
- When a family comes into a session you can get a little snapshot of a family situation based on where family members sit and who they sit next to.
 
There are three kinds of relationship boundaries in families.
Think of each example of relationships as a fence between neighbors.
(Lines below explanations are visual representations.)
1.) Clear- Picket fence: you can converse over it but there is a boundary.
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
2.) Ridged- Brick wall: tells people to keep out and there is no communication.
____________
3.) Defuse- Posts in the ground with nothing between them: people come and go as they please, and let themselves inside you house.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
 When connections and understanding happens in a ridged boundary it pokes holes in it and starts to become a clear boundary. _____ ___ _ _ ___


"Heavenly Father doesn't want natural relationships he wants divine Relationships."
         

Myths About Family

Hey!
     So this week we talked about a lot of different things in class. I want to tell you guys about everything that I have learned both in class and out of class, but that would be very difficult. So I have decided to talk about some of the myths or misconceptions of family and marriage. I found it very interesting how silly some of the myths are, but I will explain that a little more later.  Most of the myths I am going to talk about are out of my text book for class (Marriage & Family: The Quest For Intimacy).

Myths:

1.) Opposites Attract
     Everyone has heard this old cliche' before. However, I thought it was interesting that they called this a myth. I always thought that there was some kind of truth behind this statement, but according to the book this is very untrue. My text states, "... the more alike you are, the better your chances of having a lasting and satisfying relationship." I just thought this was really interesting. After stopping and thinking about it more, it really doesn't make sense that you would be attracted to your opposite.
     Take me for an example, I am a very responsible and realistic person. I am a firm believer in having rules and boundaries. So it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense that I would Marry someone who would go out and do whatever he wanted and not think about the consequences. Or someone that would allow our children to do something wrong and get away with it, not redirect them and teach them why it was wrong.
    I just had a thought though. Personally I would want to marry someone that would support these ideals, yes, but that would maybe be a little more relaxed or laid back. I don't want to be these supper uptight parents either. I don't think I will be uptight, but I am, as I said, a firm believer in boundaries. So if I married someone who was like me our kids would become these crazy, monk introverts. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me to take a chill pill.
Wow, now I am not sure if I think this is a myth or not. I would actually appreciate if you guys would comment and tell me your thoughts.    

2.) Happily Married People Don't Have Conflict
     This myth actually made me laugh when I read it. Do some people get married and think that everything will be perfect? That just seems so ridiculous to me. Of course you are going to have problems and disagreement. I like what the book said though. It states, "...not only is conflict normal, but when it is handled properly, it strengthens rather than threatens the marriage." Couples are going to disagree it is inevitable, but it can make you grow closer with your spouse. If you come at an issue with an open mind and work it out as a team and not as two apposing sides. We are meant to learn and grow together as individuals. If that makes sense.

Okay well this post has turned out a lot different than I planed. I was going to talk about 5 myths briefly and kind of got caught up in the first one. So let me just touch on my thoughts about myths in general. , Most of these Myths seem really silly to us, but they are falsehoods that people fall into. I would think that this stuff would be common sense. However, when people hear things over and over again they start to stick. It is like the first myth that opposites attract, do they or don't they? It has confused me severely this evening.

Here are some of the other myths I wanted to talk about but don't have time for.
3.) Having Children Increases Marital Satisfaction
4.) A Good Sex Life Is The Best Predictor of Marital Satisfaction
5.) People Marry Solely Out of Love

 If you have Question PLEASE ask. I want to learn with you guys!

Intro To Me and My Blog

Hello!
     My name is Britt Lee, although I normally just go by Britt. I was born and raised in the small town of Kimberly, right outside Twin Falls, Idaho. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. This is my third semester at Brigham Young University of Idaho. I have recently decided to declare my major in marriage and family relations. The switch is so recent that I haven't actually made the calls to officially have it changed. I am super excited to get it switched and get started in my studies. Family is just so important to the development of individuals. I love the thought of helping families become more functional, understanding, loving and supportive of each other. I took an family relations class in my second semester and absolutely fell in love with it. I am currently taking another family relations class, which is actually why I am starting a blog.
     My Professor has asked all member of the class to start a blog, and write about the things that we are learning. I will be sharing insights that I receive throughout the course as well as personal thoughts and feelings about family. I will also be sharing stories from my own life, about my family. 
      I am actually really excited to be able to share what I am learning, and hope that those who read this will enjoy it and learn along side me.